The Big Crash

There was a point, I think, right after the Lord's Test, where I was absolutely unconcerned about how the team was playing; I remained smug and solid in my conviction that this team was the king of comebacks, and that it would bounce back with the kind of alacrity that would lead to people making horrible puns that possibly included the words 'India rubber'. After all, we all know what happened in South Africa, right? Or Australia? Or Sri Lanka? Hell, the Freakin Amazing Test Match in '08 against England in Chennai, where we were losing for 3 and a half days before going on to win?

History said: India will make England slip off its perch so bad, it's gonna get rope-burn. Or something. (History isn't terribly great at mixed metaphors.)

Unfortunately, we went through a wormhole into a reality where it was India that continued slipping. And slipping. And slipping.

But more on that later.

So there we were in good ol' Trent Bridge for the second Test, and India seemed right on track. We had England at 100-odd for 6, Ishant Sharma was finally starting to look formidable again, and PK was a revelation. "See?" I said. "Everything's going according to plan."

Then: we... just let it slip.

Looking back on that moment, that session of play where we let Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann do what they pleased with the bat was The Turning Point. Possibly THE most important session in the series. When we let that go, we'd practically let go of the series, our no 1 ranking, any semblance of dignity we might have had. I remember being more bemused than angry. I still am, actually. It's like being smacked on the head by a cow that just fell from the sky. What the hell happened?

Yeah, sure, England played magnificently - not going to take that away from them - and we were crap warmed over, but - still. What? We can't be THAT bad, right? The depressing thing is that a team with the likes of Tendulkar, Dravid, Laxman and Sehwag is performing a couple of notches below how Bangladesh would perform in the same situation. Hell, B'desh could've maybe managed a draw or two, even.

The final Test is going on at the Oval right now, and England scored bucketloads of runs in the first innings (as usual) and we - FREAKIN AGAIN - folded cheaply. It's like somebody went there and pulled the plug on some vital reserve in the Indian players. I imagine little gears and chains in the players' bodies, pulling them through over after over, through minute after minute of the depressing charade. In the few minutes I dared to watch the actual TV coverage - risky, because I tend to spend the rest of the day in a blue funk when I do - I remember Harsha Bhogle saying something along the lines of, "So Praveen Kumar continues to bowl. And bowl. And bowl."

I imagine he was praising PK's perseverance and stamina, but every word was also a statement on the black sludge that the Indian cricket viewer's soul was being dragged through.

And bowl. And bowl. And bowl. And bowl. And bowl...

A lonely and sordid nightmare.

Compounding the depression is that - man, this is England we're losing to. England! Forgive me for my prejudices, but - seriously, India? Seriously? About the only modern English thing I can bring myself to love is Doctor Who. Everything else is a horror acid trip consisting mostly of Swann's 142-character witticisms and Stuart Broad's, well, everything.

Dhoni must've known a series loss was going to come sometime. I don't think he expected it to be this bad.

I can't bring myself to watch/read/write about this series. It's physically painful. Just getting those links for the matches and verifying the scores was like taking raw chunks out of my soul. I remember my Dad watching an NDTV news bulletin about the second Test during breakfast. The anchor announced the highlights package as "Now for the Sadlights" without a trace of irony. If the team's performance is depressing, the local media reaction is even more depressing.

Sunil Gavaskar going, "The players, now that they've won the World Cup, act as if Indian cricket owes them something now, rather than the other way round" (paraphrased), was probably the only time I got angry through the whole affair. That's an unfair statement, Mr. Gavaskar. That's really, really unfair. I really can't say anything more than that, just goggle in sheer disbelief.

I can't stand it. I usually avoid news channels like the plague; now I've taken to just removing the sports pages of the newspaper and folding them under the toaster in the morning. Yes, I'm enjoying my ride in this river in Egypt; how about you?

I'm still waiting for THE moment, however. The moment where the Indian team gets that spring in its step and stop auditioning for extras in a George Romero movie. It's part wishful thinking, part romantic fantasy, but mostly proved by history. There have been passages - tiny, but they were there - of play in this tour where the Indians showed glimpses of why they are/were/are/were/ARE, goddamit, the best team in the world. Some good memories can still be salvaged out of this tour. Maybe even a couple of wins.

Meanwhile, I'll direct the depressing stuff to the ever-growing pile under my toaster.

So this is how it goes.

So the Test series is over. The third Test ended in a draw, and the series is drawn at 1-1.

I... don't know what to feel about this, really. For most of today, I was practically fuming. 340 in a day - the fifth day, no less - was difficult but surely gettable - but hey, what do I know. I'm worse than an armchair critic - I've almost never played the game, right? They have their reasons, whatever they are. I'm sure there'll be a lot of talk about the pitch, the bowling, the batting approach, all that pseudo-intellectual analytical bilge that will eventually drown out a simple truth: neither team really tried winning this thing on the last day.

I think my main heartbreak of today was the moment I rushed home from college, eager to check India's progress. Gambhir and Dravid were fermenting at the crease, which probably meant that Sehwag had left early. I checked what he'd scored: 11 off 40 balls.

Eleven. Off forty balls.

The disappointment was a physical thing; a lump in my throat. These guys had come out to play for a draw, and nothing else. The disappointment grew into frustration with every maiden played, every ball that was padded away or left or idly observed like the delivery was some remote scientific phenomenon. I raged and I cursed, and finally burned myself out. I'm just... disappointed. This was a fabulous series - I haven't had this much fun watching Test cricket since our Australian tour of '07-'08 - and this wasn't the ending it deserved. Not at all.

Sometimes, it's easy to fall into the notion that this Indian team is progressive, aggressive, super-modern. We haven't lost a series in a long time, we've staged some of the most memorable comebacks in recent history, we've got an awe-inspiring line-up with seniors who can apparently do no wrong. But this tendency to fall back when things get tight? That's not keeping with our super-aggressive image, but it's the truth. This team only bites back when it's been kicked to the ground, spit upon, and told that it's crap. Venom spews from otherwise sedate eyes; there's a manic intensity where there was once complacent indifference. But when we are going good, when we are at an advantage and there remains only those final few steps to cement our supremacy? We falter. We think, ah well. Y'know, we gotta be safe and ensure that we at least secure a draw. We think, a series draw is good. We're happy with it. NO.

This is the first time we haven't lost a Test series in SA, right? But we haven't won any either, and that's the whole frickin point. After a position of strength - they're 130/6, on the fourth day, one batsman injured and the other - not even a specialist - out of form, and we've got some bowling mojo going for us, what do we do? Fall back, and let them get away with it. I remember the same happening against NZ when we toured them, almost two years ago now. The third test was supposed to be ours. It had 'India' written all over it. Sure, there was supposed to be rain on the fifth day, but NZ were already 8 wickets down with half a session to go on the fourth day, so no problem, right? Except we fooled around, bowled rubbish, dropped catches, and allowed them to survive. No play was possible on the fifth day and the match ended in a draw. We won the series 1-0 anyway and there was much hot air about our first series win down there in decades, but what's the point, because we could've so easily won it 2-0?

We talk about a unified, super-modern team, but with this team? Same song, different verse.

Dhoni. Just to paraphrase your delightful little statement on crowds at Test matches: "we are the performers in the circus, but you need the circus to be full." We are not fools to sit in a circus where all that the performers do is juggle a single ball because it's too risky otherwise. This is exactly the kind of pointless bullshit that drives people away from Tests. It's not so much the low scoring rate as it is the lack of intent from India, and to a lesser extent, from South Africa. It's made me ask existential-esque questions.

Why am I here? Why am I watching this? What's the point? Do I really care that Sachin is the first person to score a run at the precise moment the sun's rays are at an angle of 34.98 degrees with far end of Table Mountain, thus creating a new record in the process? You can stuff those runs and inflated averages somewhere else, because they are worth jack-squat.

I don't care about history. I love this team, and I not only want it to win, but have come to expect it to win, or at least try.

Unfortunately, the team itself doesn't seem to think the same way.

Yikes.

340 to win.

Kallis has pretty much ensured himself a man-of-the-series award, I think - a double-century in the first Test, and centuries in both innings in this one. Just to be safe, though, he threw in a 'batting through the pain of an injury' to woo the more sentimental folks on the jury. He's got me on that one.


NOW.

The hell, India? You had them at 130/6!! What happened? I didn't watch the match because I've been travelling all day and only caught some of the cricinfo commentary on my mobile, but really? After all this talk about how the wicket's tough to play on and that it's only getting tougher, Morkel and Boucher and Steyn, hell even Tsotsobe for a bit there, run havoc like it's the last five overs of a T20? I'm confused here. Was it the bowling, the batting, or the usual pre-match exaggerations (in which the players, the media, and the viewers are all complicit).

Anyway, 340 to get. Logically speaking, only two results are possible here: a South African win (the HORROR!) or a draw (what a friggin anti-climax that would be to an otherwise riveting series).

But this Indian team doesn't like to follow logic on the best of days, which can both be a good thing, or a bad thing.

In the end, as always, it all boils down to Sehwag. Whatcha gonna do, Viru?

"See ball, hit ball."

Aaaah. Excellent. :D

Stttraaap in, folks!

Iiit's the battle of the century!

In this corner, we have... Dale Steyn! 6 feet plus and the best fast bowler in the world, watch as he rips them in at speeds of more than 90 miles an hour! He makes the ball nip and swing and bounce, and hell, do the salsa!

In this corner, we have... Sachin Tendulkar! This little colossus amasses runs not by the hundreds, but by the thousands! He has conquered the very best in international cricket until now... can he do so now?

WE SHALL SEE!!!!!!

Victory to the socially-conscious

Y'know, I was jumping up and down for joy and ready to make a deliriously delighted post about India's Totally Awesome victory at Durban, until Dhoni made a very curious comment, right toward the end of the post-match presentation. He said, (paraphrased slightly) "We will party tonight, but will not get drunk."

This team is not only awesome, but also socially conscious. Huh.

But really, I think it's just a reference to the last time they won a match in SA, 4 years ago. I heard they celebrated so hard they actually had to pay for damages done to the dressing room.

Aaaaanyway.

What a win! Laxman! Zaheer! Sreesanth! Bhajji! The whole frickin' lot of 'em! I was a little dubious about the amount of difference Zaheer's return was supposed to make to our limp-as-lettuce-in-a-McDonald's-burger bowling attack, but the important thing seems to be that they believed it. I don't know how much of the impact was psychological and how much of it was strategic, but it worked, and everything turned out to be - wait for it - awesome.

One of the things I adored was that right after I make a post about the SSD/NUD dynamic, Laxman and Zaheer pull together a fabulous SSD/NUD themselves in a match-winning partnership. Laxman is just becoming a second-innings go-to guy, and I adore him except for the unfortunate fact that he keeps instigating some of the worst cricketing cliches: shots that are "caressed", somehow managing to be "smooth as silk", yet "precise as a surgeon's knife" at the same time. God.

So here's a cliche I do like: never-say-die. These guys don't roll over after being kicked to the ground. They take what luck comes their way, don't whine when it doesn't (well, they do try), and give their best. I'm proud of you guys. Congratulations, and all the best for the next one.

The art of 'protecting' a tailender

You know how it goes.

The match is at a crucial stage - you're 7, maybe 8 wickets down with a few sessions still lift to play - more likely to save the match than win it, but you're willing to count a draw as a victory. So you're the Settled Specialist Dude (SSD) over there, and the guy who comes out to partner you is notoriously unreliable.

What do you do?

I've seen a lot of batsmen consistently refuse singles in the first few balls of the over, while the opposition captain spreads out the field, saying, come on dude, single ready when you want it. Around the fourth ball the batsman begins to get testy. Can the Notoriously Unreliable Dude (NUD) survive two balls? Is it okay for me to take a single here? The field begins to come in again, and the SSD is pushed into a corner. Fifth ball, SSD's all, shall I go for it now? No no, no need to take a risk now, there's still one ball left. And when the sixth ball is coming 'round, he's sweating bullets. The NUD is grinning at the other end, already dreaming of ensuing batting heroics, and the SSD sees the grin and is doubly nervous. The opposition closes in like a shark with blood in the water, and so the bowler barrels in with the last delivery of the over...

I've seen this more often than not with the Indian team. The one NUD that I remember actually lives up to his name is Zaheer Khan. For instance, in the current match against SA, Dhoni's at one end, and facing Morkel. He plays off four balls and takes a single off the fifth. Just one ball, right? Turns out he forgot one of the fundamental truths of cricket: you might spend several deliveries planning and scheming through your innings, but it takes only one to make them all useless. One ball, and Zaheer was out.

Ishant came in, and Dhoni sighed, screw this and took a single off the second ball to let Ishant face the rest of the over. And he survived.

The NUD/SSD dynamic rarely works for this team. I remember a couple of successes, namely: Dhoni and Sreesanth at Lord's working with the weather to save a match we really ought to have lost, and Laxman and Ishant at Mohali pulling off a Totally Awesome Win out of nowhere.

Huh.

As I type, Dhoni gets out after a fighting 35. India 205/9, likely to be 205 all out soon enough as two NUDs conference before one of them takes strike.

Dale Steyn barrels in...

EDIT OF SUPREME AWESOMENESS: Zaheer and Harbhajan have gotten hold of some serious mojo: SA are 104/8 now, and completely on the mat. Somebody pinch me, please.

EDIT OF WTFery: So we dismissed them for 131, and promptly slump to 48/3 after being 42/0. Two wickets to Lonwabo Tsotosobe. All right, people. What the hell? At this rate, Dhoni might find himself ending the day at the crease, just as he started the day.

EDIT OF WHAT-THE-HELL-IS-GOING-ON-HERE: Wicket no. 18 of day 2 falls as Sachin is snapped up by Steyn. 56/4. I think SA and India are trying to go one-up on each other in pure batting ineptitude. Screw the swing, pace, bounce, all that bull shit - we are better than this! Lead is just one hundred and thirty runs and if we don't get some spine soon all of Bhajj's and Zak's efforts will have come to naught!

Hooooly shit.

So here's what happened.

Dhoni out for 90. His previous innings? Out for 98.

Who was his partner both times? Sachin Tendulkar, and both times he went on to score a century.

Clearly, Dhoni has somehow, supernaturally perhaps, transferred Sachin's 90s jinx onto himself. I understand as a captain you sacrifice a lot for your team, but this might be too much, yeah?

(Either that, or Shane Watson has done some kind of trans-continental Jinx Transference).

Jokes apart, this is the beginning of the end. Even as I type, Harbhajan falls, and India are 8 down. We are going to lose, but at least we put up a fight and Dhoni and Tendulkar were twelve billion flavours of Awesome.

We could take inspiration from Australia, who came back from the edge of ignominy to soundly thrash England (there's a lot of sadistic pleasure to be derived from that piece of imagery, especially given one couldn't open something cricket-related online over the last week without an Englishman tooting his horn) at Perth, levelling the Ashes 1-1. There's hope yet!

One last wish before this match goes up in a puff of smoke: I hope Sreesanth isn't dispirited enough to not repeat his 2006 antics, viz., doing the pelvis-thrusting, bat-spinning Dance of Awesome after hitting a six.

(... where's Andre Nel when you need him? ... )

EDIT: Bad light's stopped play! \o/ We stand at 454/8, Sree and Sachin batting.

I shall now search frantically through my handbook on Rain-Summoning Rituals. There's got to be something here that has international effects, right? *flips*

Also, I have to say: I haven't had this much fun watching a day of Test cricket since the halcyon days of India's '07-'08 tour of Australia. That series was gold, and got me hooked to Test cricket for LIFE.

Oh, lord.

South Africa have scored 200+ runs in the first session.

Two hundred runs... !

Surely - although I wouldn't have imagined the likes of Ishant, Sreesanth and Unadkat matching up to Steyn, Morkel and Kallis - we can't have bowled as badly as all that?

Except we did, and it hurts.

I'll put together a more coherent post later, but right now? SA 640/4 dec (WTF my brain's short-circuiting) and Sehwag and Gambhir are out there, and scoring boundaries. Get the adrenaline pumpin', boys. Save some face.

Dear Cricket, Dhoni is smarter than you.

I'm still alive, still watching cricket, still keeping up with it online. After watching the third day's play against NZ I came across this article that reminded me just why I hate reading about cricket online these days:

He doesn't normally flick; he drags. He doesn't drive fluently; he shoves. He doesn't cut; he chops. He doesn't sweep; he hammers. He doesn't lean forward; he lunges. He doesn't defend; he stabs. He doesn't swing to the on side; he muscles and heaves. He doesn't upper cut; he carves. His most famous shot is the helicopter-whirl - a bottom-handed twirl that sends full deliveries from outside off to screaming fans beyond long-on. Even genial farmers might take offense if you call him agricultural, so we shall stick to natural. Is he effective? You bet he is, as he showed today.

[...]

A moment arrived, soon, which captured his style of batting perfectly: he opened the bat-face and steered a Tim Southee delivery that straightened after being angled in between the keeper and wide slip. It wasn't an edge. What wasn't clear was whether it was just a late adjustment to the straightening of the delivery or if he had the gap in mind? Dhoni often leaves you similarly confused about his intentions behind a shot. Often, there were cries of "catch it" from the New Zealanders when Dhoni hit them in the air, but it invariably climbed over a fielder or flew through a gap.

"Lunge". "Bunt". "Whip". Aeeeesthetically pleasing. Dear Sir. I want to watch you carressss that through the off-side as I sit here and primly drink my afternoon tea - with my little finger sticking out - ah! Just so!

RANDOM WRITER: Your batting is ugly!
DHONI: Oh yeah? Well... your face is ugly!

And then, Dhoni comes and rescues my mood with this:

MS Dhoni, the India captain, has said that Suresh Raina needs a break from cricket, and if he doesn't get it after the first two ODIs against New Zealand, he might have to be replaced for the first Test in South Africa, which begins on December 16.

Dhoni was specifically asked whether Raina would be replaced at Centurion by Cheteshwar Pujara or M Vijay if he didn't have a break for the last three one-day matches against New Zealand. "If he doesn't get a break in the ODI series [after the first 2 games] then you have to [replace him]," Dhoni said. "He is at a point where he needs a break from cricket."

A HA. Dhoni, I C WHUT U DID THAR.

What needs to be done

... is to have these people who work out the scheduling and rotation of international venues in India attend a few intensive classes of ninth standard geography. Particularly: climactic changes across the peninsula, and the movement of the south-west and retreating monsoons, because, clearly, they have no idea that such things exist.

How else can you explain the three venues for the current ODI series against the Aussies? Kochi, Vishakapatnam, Goa. Three coastal cities where if the rain doesn't get you, the humidity will. I should know. Chennai is in the throes of giving its ever-suffering denizens its habitual Slow Death by Heat and Humidity. And then you complain about ceaseless rains in Kochi, and the threat of more in Vishakapatnam!

About the rest of the series? Bah. Two Test matches that got much closer than they had any right to, because both teams are staggeringly incompetent at pressing whatever advantage they get. A triumph of mediocrity. And, uh, Test cricket. Because one has to be politically correct about these things, you know.

Although, I have to say, watching Sreesanth in his latest get-up was entertaining. Like a demented version of an 80's movie hero, sans the glittery pants. Like Kamal Hassan dancing on top of Sridevi's table in a room that can't quite make up its mind if it's a discotheque, cabaret, or a mad scientist's laboratory.

But you know what's the best damn thing about the whole series? This quote from Dhoni:

After all, if taken in the right sense, we are the performers in the circus, but you need the circus to be full. It [this comment] should be taken in the right sense.

... And I'm instantly reminded just why I adore Dhoni so. Cut all the crap and get to the heart of the matter.

But I gotta say, I laughed and laughed at the "don't take this in the wrong sense" disclaimers. The poor man has gone through many a bitter experience, indeed. "At least then you a-holes won't keep twisting what I say to create controversies out of thin air. And... uh. I didn't mean that! I PROMISE!"

IPL Aftershocks

So. A lot of people like to blame the IPL for a lot of things: you know, cricketers worrying more about where the moolah is coming from than representing their country, a footballer-esque tendency to be seen with arm-candy, the utter suckiness of the Indian team and their inability to do anything right in the last two editions of the T20 WC, corruption, the belittling of the international game, eroding the values of Test cricket, headache-inducing commentary, piss-poor broadcasting, advertising to the point of utter nausea.

Did I miss something? Oh yeah, pollution, global warming, terrorism, American Idol and pretty much every evil in the world.

BUT! There are things (if things is the word I want) that are much, much worse that tend to slip under the scanner; things that piss me off to no end.

a. Its influence on Indian selection. I don't even have to explain, just name names. Manpreet Gony. Rohit Sharma. Vinay Kumar. Sudeep Tyagi. YUSUF PATHAN.

b. The fraying of mute buttons on TV remotes all over India. Even now my finger still twitches toward that button every time I sit down to watch cricket. Damn thing hardly works anymore.

c. A deluge (and I mean tidal wave, frickin' tsunami) of IPL critics. Suddenly the IPL is responsible for everything! The tournament isn't without its many faults, but the utter acid (most of it completely gratituous and horribly pretentious) that dripped from so many "informed observers" corroded not just my laptop screen but also my ability to enjoy the game at all. ("Test cricket is the only cricket worth playing! Oh these young 'uns with their terrible tastes in music and sport and heroes and movies are ruining our culture!" Stuff it, guys.)

d. THIS:




(and a zandu balm ad featuring the delhi daredevils which i unfortunately couldn't find online)

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD.

I died. Several times.

You're talking about the IPL being a terrible influence. Hahahahaha.

You have no idea.

EDIT: About the current (travesty of a) Test series?

Dhoni: "A bowling attack with experience, variety and skill? Durrrr.... what's that?"

Sangakkara: "You know, I'd be happier if the double hundred came against a regular Test-playing nation. Y'know, like the team that's number one in the rankings right now. Like -- wait, what do you mean, we're playing India?"

Raina: "OhyayIscoredaCENTURYonDEBUT! IscoredabuttloadofrunswithTENDULKAR! I'msohappyIcanpogostickallthewaytoChina!"

Tendulkar: "Uh, so. Another Test, some more runs scored. Same old, same old. *yawn* Which country are we playing now, by the way?"

Zaheer Khan: "I'm kind of reeeeally glad I'm halfway across the world from Sri Lanka right now. Actually, scratch that. I'm just glad there's this many miles between me and the Indian cricket team, period."

Ishant Sharma, et al: "Pleeeease can we join you, Zaheer bhaiya?"

Harbhajan Singh: "Look at me, I'm down in the dumps. LOOK AT ME, dammit."

Random Sri Lankan spinner: "So! Somebody was telling me that playing Test cricket against the best lineup in the world would be tough! Dammit, wish I'd taken a bet against that."

Atul Wassan: "It's kind of worrying that even now India has to depend on Tendulkar to get them out of trouble. If after so many years we're not able to fend for ourselves -- "

Everybody else: "The dude's doing his friggin job as a middle order senior batsman. And whose shortcomings is he trying to make up for? Dravid and Laxman, who've been playing pretty much forever too!"

Muttiah Muralitharan: *points and laughs*

Me: WHY AM I WATCHING THIS SHIT.

Is ANYBODY really looking forward to this series?

What it says on the tin.

Aside from it being Muthu Muralitharan's last shindig in a long and illustrious career, is anybody really looking forward to the India v SL series starting tomorrow? This is the first Test series I'm going to be able to see after a long time - and reading stuff like this and this hasn't been really encouraging.

Particularly stuff like:

Who can stop Tillakaratne Dilshan from smashing a ton against this Indian attack? If he can play with controlled aggression, a hundred is there for the taking. And he can set the tempo by denting Ishant Sharma's already fragile confidence with a few boundary hits. It should be much fun watching Dilshan bat in this Test. Will he be over eager to attack? Can he show judicious shot selection?

Right. Riiiight. That's just gone beyond analysis and straiiight into 'eh-what-the-hell' snark.

So we've got a sucky bowling attack. So what?

I'm holding out for a Ishant five-for in the SL first innings. Why? Because I can. And I want some reason to look forward to the Test cricket, dammit.

(And because if I read "India's problem is its bowling", I'm going to implode. Hi, bandwagon people! Quieten a bit, whydontcha?)

Floundering in hyperbole

... not to mention crashing through stacks of meaningless rhetoric, tangling up in a bunch of sticky metaphors, eventually to fall into a roiling adjective soup, breathless descriptions cloying on my skin and rolling onto my laptop in great lumps... pretty much the kind of situation I find myself in when Virender Sehwag decides to play yet another of those innings.

It is usually prudent to give oneself sometime to regain lost breath, lest one starts giving into that sticky tangle of hilarious exaggeration (the Neandrathal comparsion's my favourite. Somewhere, Charles Darwin is rolling over in his grave... again). There's something about watching Viru Sehwag (and I don't think it an exaggeration when I say that it was indeed a Divine Intervention that the only full day of Test cricket I managed to catch all year was day 2 of the Mumbai Test) play that provokes intense emotion out of you. He nonchalantly spanks all and sundry on his way to 100, 200, 300... and you think, here's an epiphany. Even with the commentators regurgigating their usual staple of "No footwork, it's all exquisite hand-eye co-ordination" you think, you are obligated to say something about this. Because Sehwag sure ain't. It is brilliant, it is brutal, it's a million Thesauri meshed together into a savage beast of Biblical proportions as you search for -- and fail at finding -- words to fit in everything you wanted to say about Sehwag's innings. You are only more intent on celebrating this "simple, yet brilliant" mind when he comes out later with things like "I see ball, I hit ball."

He still says that, now with a smug matter-of-factness, probably amused at how people are fascinated by that statement of his. He probably still means it, but I'd like to believe that a lot of care, a lot of careful thought and construction go into each of his big innings. But even the cynic in me is defeated when he goes, "I was hitting only the bad balls, but in the dressing room they were telling me I was hitting some good balls too", or something to that effect.

In short, Virender Sehwag = all that's awesome about the Indian team right now. When he fires, he really fires; when he fails, it's not in half-measures, either.

And what can I say about Murali Vijay, other than he was really unfortunate to miss out on a well-deserved maiden ton? He looked delightfully assured and competent at the crease, and not for a moment was Gambhir missed. I loved how he kept the tempo up in the beginning as Viru settled at the other end. He is just so much awesome right now I can't even.

And Dhoni got his second century of the series. Wow. When it rains, it pours, huh?

And what a difference the return of Zaheer Khan has made to the team. Even though he didn't really start pulling his weight until toward the end of the series, just his presence, I believe, could rejuvenate our suddenly-floundering pace attack. It might be the most important plus point EVAH.

The Sri Lankans stuck around, and, uh, that's about it, really. There've been renewed murmurings about the presence/absence of the Umpire Decision Review System (or what the hell ever it's called), with Sanga going as far as to say that a couple of bad decisions cost them as much as 500 runs and possibly a victory or two.

Maybe, but the argument is moot when strong protestations against the newfangled thing are sounding with the backing of rock-hard evidence from the Aus v Windies series going on right now.

Either way, it's like stirring an old pile of stale shit, so.

The other big thing going right now is India's supposed ascension to the top of the ICC Test rankings with the 2-0 win against Sri Lanka. Lot of congratulations and chest-beating going on, tempered, of course, by some well-founded cynicism from other quarters of the cricketing fraternity. I agree, India haven't won enough overseas, the no 1 position is very fluid right now and can change hands frequently, India definitely is not the all-conquering champion side that West Indies or Australia once were. Check, check, check. But for now? That little rankings table reads like the way every Indian cricket fan has always dreamt it would read, for the first time ever. It's a nice moment, and the team and its supporters deserve to savour it while it lasts (except, of course, oh noes! The largely-accepted-for-the-past-eight-years ranking system is suddenly all WRONG because INDIA is no 1! Isn't that all kinds of unnatural? I mean, it's okay when the table shows Aus or SA at the top, cos that's how it'a meant to be, but India? Nah. And, oh, the Evil IPL is Evil. Just in case you'd forgotten.)

It kind of reminds me of my travails with Hindi in high school. I used to hate the language, and I believe the feeling was mutual. I scraped through the subject, until I came to my tenth Boards - the last time I'd be writing an exam for that subject. I was a jingling pile of nerves the day of the exam, and, despite being the most pathetic Hindi conversationist even this side of the Vindhyas, and getting my tenses mixed up practically every other paragraph, I passed with the highest distinction in the exam. "Pratham Shreni" says the certificate, still, and my mind still boggles at the sight. And how did I do so well? Pure dumb luck in that a lot of the questions I'd memorised the answers to made their appearance in the question paper, the fact that I was taking a less advanced Hindi course, and a little bit of innate ingenuity on my part at the time of writing the paper. I was surprised, more than a little pleased at seeing the high ranking, but I also knew exactly how much work I needed to actually put into my Hindi. Certainly I could blame the system for assigning qualifications to people who don't exactly deserve them, for the way the language is taught in schools with more emphasis on memorisation and rote than on conversation and free reading, but that's the way things are. Hindi and I have a much better relationship now - I hope - and perhaps one day I'll be deserving of the distinction I was awarded all those years back.

So, at the end of it all, what am I trying to say, you ask?

I have no idea.

Addendum: Only two Tests in the next 6 months??

Ridiculous. Can't wait for the South Africa tour -- in a year's time from now, I think -- already.

Zip, Zap, Zoom

... and other such onomatopoeic expressions of 'where the hell did all that time go."

'Cause, really? I could've sworn that the Ill-Fated ODI series against Australia finished just now, and already we're in the final Test of a series against Sri Lanka, Dhoni scored his first Test century since the Stone Age (and it is a little scary when I mean that literally), everybody else is helping themselves to centuries apiece, Sreesanth, frickin' Sreesanth, back in the team and producing match-winning performances (not that, of course, I have anything against him or nothin'), India won its 100th ever Test win, and really, what?

Whatever happened to the deliciously slow build-up to Test matches, all that speculation, all that gathering of momentum. Conidering how much resources and how many brain cells are expended on each Test, you'd want to make each of them actually count, yeah?

Honestly? I can't blame Gambhir putting attending his sister's marriage before playing the third Test. After all, your sister gets married only once (hopefully).

Also, it means Murali Vijay gets to open, which, yay! I'd just spent a lot of time arguing with a friend a couple of days ago about how it was certain that Wasim Jaffer would make it ahead of Vijay -- experience, home ground, whatever -- but I'm super-happy he's gotten another chance at wearing the Test cap for India. Hopefully this time he'll get more than a couple of gritty forties and a Run-Out of Awesome.

Also? R Ashwin and Ashoke Dinda in the Twenty20 and ODI squads, leaving out Ishant Sharma. I heartily approve.

I was going to give some -- ostensibly -- deep insight about the first day of play at Mumbai, but then I came across this:



My first reaction was, "Holy hell, that's unhygienic!"

And then it all sunk in and a small part of me died inside.

Chi chi, Ricky!!

(image courtesy of cricinfo)

Looks like Ponting's been working away at the vethelai paaku. You know, the ones he's going to adorn the golden plate with when he gifts the Ashes urn to England.

Although he should probably know that he's not in India to be spraying it around as a natural air-conditioner.

Seriously, though? Poor Ricky. What a spectacularly boring way to lose the Ashes.

In other news, this be my 50th post. Which, hello, achievement, considering I'm worse than a three year old with ADD when it comes to these things.

Randomness and a brief farewell

So, okay, I'm (more than) a little late here, but a hearty congratulations to the Indian team for their series win in New Zealand. Seriously. Hearty. With claps on the back and all that shit because they? They proved me totally, utterly and completely wrong. So, okay, maybe I wasn't keeping track of NZ much to realise that they are the 8th ranked team in the world, with a batting order that's non-existent unless Ryder and Taylor are batting together, and the less said about their bowling the better, and that most tracks in NZ are good enough to take my first driving lesson on, but still - you know? First time in 40 years. That's gotta count for something, some champagne and a bit sprayed around.

This is going to be my last post in a while, as final exams are fast approaching and I most likely will not have much time for cricket, leave alone blogging - at least until some time late June. Which of course means I'll be missing the bulk of the IPL, as well as the Twenty20 World Cup (which, by the way, is spread over the exact two weeks as my final exams, screw you, Fate), but hey. ... Um.

Let's try that again.

- but hey. Er.

No good. Can't see the bright side to this.

OH CRUEL AND CAPRICIOUS FATE, I THINK I KIND OF HATE YOU.

... Yeah.

A few (really) random thoughts before I leave:

1. About the Infamous Declaration of Doom in the last Test against New Zealand. I remember being a little wary that last day, cautiously scrounging around the web for opinion, but criticism took a surprising amount of time to build up. Once it did start, though, everybody seemed to rush in to get their finger in the pie. It reminded me of typical classroom politics - furitive looks exchanged in a death silence as nobody is brave enough to voice an opinion everybody wants to, and when somebody does take the initiative, the roof is brought down by the chorus that follows. As for me, I honestly did not have any problem with the declaration, even bringing the weather in as a factor. It seemed to me like an ideal score to declare at - put the match well and comprehensively out of NZ's reach, make sure the series win is secure, then really go for it. I mean, even with the weather, India still got to bowl at NZ for a day and a bit, and if it were not for the horrendous catching, could've easily bowled them out, and the criticism would not have been even a quarter of what it is now. More than the timing of the declaration it was the attitude of the Indians that irritated me. That final session on the 4th day, where it seemed like they were just fooling around? I threw the remote at the TV and stomped away cursing this team to an eternity spent at No. 3. Because? With this kind of fielding and attitude, that's how far I see them going.

2. Australia lost the ODI series to SA, and while I'm happy about that - obviously - it totally ruined for me all the cool comments that could be made about this tour being a clean photographic negative of the Saffers' tour of Australia earlier this year. I was kinda liking the symmetry.

3. Callum Ferguson is cute.

4. Wayne Parnell. Out of all the people in the Under-19 WC last year, this dude impressed me the most, and I knew it was only a matter of time before he was winning matches for the national team as well.

5. SuperSport commentary kind of sucks.

6. SETMax sucks even more. Not really looking forward to the TV coverage of the IPL this year.

7. The Mumbai Indians are looking scary good for the IPL this year. My money's on them to win it this time 'round.

8. Also, this? Ha ha ha, good one. Overboard with the sarcasm, perhaps. Like, really overboard.

9. I was disappointed - and admittedly, still am - when the IPL was forced to South Africa, but at least now I have one reason to feel happy that the boys ain't playing here: the weather here, it be MURDEROUS. At least in Chennai, it is. Every freakin summer it gets worse. I can't imagine anybody willingly staying out there for more than an hour at a time even with all the Gatorade in the world. Unless, you know, they have air-conditioners built into their uniforms or some such shit. I remember my most abiding memory from the Afro-Asia Cup 2007 (aside from Dhoni's century of Awesome and his even awesomer 200+ partnership with Jayawardene in one of the games) where they played two consecutive ODIs in Chennai in frickin' June was an overwhelming sympathy for the players as I sweated it out watching them sweat in the MAC and much sweating was had by all. I love you, Chennai, I really do, but I really kind of hate the weather.

See you in a couple of months, then. Farewell!

Surely you lie!

Injured Dhoni unsure for third Test against New Zealand

Wellington (IANS): Uncertainty looms over injured India captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni's availability in the third and final cricket Test against New Zealand that begins at the Basin Reserve here on Friday.

Dhoni, who is having a sore back, skipped the second Test at Napier which ended in a draw. India lead the series 1-0, having won the first Test by 10 wickets.

The final decision on Dhoni will be taken before the start of the match.

"The back has improved. But I will have to see how I feel before the match," Dhoni said. "It is not like in One-dayers where one needs to keep the wickets for just 50 overs."

In case Dhoni fails to take the field, then vice-captain Virender Sehwag will once again don the captain's hat.

Dhoni said the team is capable of performing well in his absence.

"The team does not rely on me. Whether I play or not, it will not have much impact on the team," Dhoni said.

Ha ha, you see, MS, I know you're probably a bit confused about time zones right now, but April 1st was almost two days ago. So, yeah. Stop pulling at our legs, a'right?

All. Right?

I'd better see Dhoni sauntering out for the toss tomorrow. End of story.

Jedi Mind Tricks

I usually don't muck around much with reading a lot of match previews, which could possibly be the only reason I managed to miss this gem:

"The day before the game, we'll practice, one good hard session, and we're ready for the game," Dhoni said. "Whatever suits the team."
Dhoni took it a step further. "Mentally we are right there. When it comes to the mind it depends on what you're feeding into the mind. The mind doesn't know if it's Napier or what you're feeding. You come and say 'this is Napier', and it believes it's Napier. If you see, it's an abstract. When people say 'he's in form', nobody has seen form. It's a state of mind where you are confident and you think very positively and everything you think about, you think it's very achievable. It's about how you treat the mind. One day here, one day there doesn't really make a difference. Preparation-wise, we are up to the mark."

Give the man a chocolate, he's talking philosophy. A couple dozen. Maybe a tonne. The whole frickin' chocolate factory.

Because, this? This is gold. And I'm not being sarcastic. Honest.

(Although the repeated use of 'abstract' to me indicates a bit of Kirstenisation and Uptonisation to Dhoni's theory.)

I love the way he explains it. It's interesting, and for an armchair geek like me, a welcome departure from the redundant cliches that seem to envelop the game like a shroud. Now that the Test hasn't (isn't) gone (at) all India's way, the whole thing's open to criticism, but one can't deny that it makes some sense. A lot of things are said to be "just in the mind" and Dhoni has always stressed on mental readiness and composure to be able to face the pressures of international cricket to go along with the actual cricket, because if you're good enough to get into the national team, you're pretty freakin good, but developing a frame of mind that's able to deal with a billion plus expectations, the pressures, the attention and the tribulations? That has to be learnt anew.

I'm just wondering if Dhoni ever tried it on himself re his injury. Wonder if he thought he could go out there, and tell his mind, "I'm perfectly fine, my back's feeling great, the sights and sounds of Ranchi are all around me, and oh look! There's my neighbour's son coming in to bowl as usual. Wonder when he dyed his hair blond."

OH that explains it all! Poor thing wasn't able to make the mantra work on the morning of the first day, it would seem.

DHONI'S MIND: I'm perfectly fine, my back...
DHONI'S BODY: Enough.
DHONI'S MIND: ... feeling gr-- Huh?
DHONI'S BODY: Enough.
DHONI'S MIND: Enough what, exactly?
DHONI'S BODY: Are we even connected anymore these days? Wake up, smell the coffee. It's cold, it's windy. That's a six foot blond New Zealander barelling in to get us out, and the back--
DHONI'S MIND: Bother me not with these trifles. I still have to ponder upon the Meaning of Life after this, you know.
DHONI'S BODY: ... suit yourself.
DHONI: ack! *spasm*

Yep, that's definitely what happened.

(Inspired by the decidedly funnier kroki-refur)

Now. Regarding the match itself? Finally a day where India get their butts into it, with Dravid and Gambhir and later Gambhir and Tendulkar digging and sprouting roots and growing leaves. Oh, and they batted a bit in between, too. I think Tendulkar did, anyway.

Four days in and we have not acted like one of the world's best Test sides. If the catching and fielding (Yuvraj + slip = DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT) let the team down after whittling NZ down to 23/3 in the first innings and allowed the Black Caps to post 619 (*gasp!*) on the board, the batting decided to complete the job and got bowled out for 305, after which the NZers ask us to follow on. Yes, quite a bitchslap to the face that must've been for a team that beat the same opposition like flicking a speck of dust out of its eye a week ago and was expected to do the same here. (mild irritation, but nothing at all harmful)

I cannot possibly comment on Sehwag's captaincy, not having seen the match live myself, but sending Ishant in as nightwatchman in the first innings? Not one of his brighter ideas.

Leaving aside Sehwag getting out early (again) the Indians are chugging along okay enough in the follow-on innings, with Gambhir reaching his first overseas Test century off 260-odd balls, at a strike rate in the mid-30s. If you thought that was slow, I took a look at Dravid's strike rate: 28. Yeowch. Still, it's all for the team, right? Incredibly important innings, if and when we go on to draw this.

The NZers have done great, they really have. The batting rode on terrific innings from Ryder and Taylor to post 600+, and the bowlers have been disciplined, tireless and for the first time in a long time, backed up by a truckload of runs from their batsmen.

Tomorrow could be an interesting day. India still trail by 62 runs, 8 wickets in hand, Gambhir and Tendulkar looking comfortable (enough) at the crease, all this points to a draw, but who knows? A collapse, a tiny target-chase, an innings defeat, even?

Also? I kinda whooped and cheered when Dinesh Kaarthick got out for single-figures in the first innings. Does that make me a bad person?

This is TRAGEDY.

Uhm.

No, it's not New Zealand recovering from a delicious 23/3 to post 351/4 at almost 4 an over at the end of the day.

It's not Jesse Ryder scoring another century.

It's not Mr. Twenty20 (although that might be a slightly unfair nickname) Ross Taylor smashing 151 golden runs.

It's not the Indian bowlers and fielders unable to push on after smashing the New Zealand top-order like a coconut at the stone feet of the Supreme Diety for Early Wickets.

No.

It's Dhoni, injured, being unable to play this game.

This is what I call supremely tragic.

What made it all the more painful was how unexpected it was. Nobody outside the team management had any inkling at all that Dhoni had injured his back. Nosir. Not in the slightest.

So, this morning, I woke at 3, right? Annoyed my fellow hostelites, but assured them I was only going to study (which was partly true, anyway) and flipped open my laptop, coffee brewing on the table. At 3:30, I accessed cricinfo, which informed me brightly: "Dhoni out, NZ elect to bat."

WHAT.

I went on to discover that Dhoni was indeed out of the Test match with a bad back (and he even had to have an MRI taken, good lord) and that Sehwag was captaining in his place, and that his wicketkeeping slot was to be usurped, ahem, I mean, taken care of until his return by Dinesh Kaarthick (whom I still dislike, by the way.)

I gazed at the screen numbly, mouth slightly gaping, sipping every now and then from a mug full of the most tasteless coffee I'd ever had, going down like liquid ashes down my throat. Watched the commentary as Zaks and Ishi made a bright start, prying out McIntosh, How and Guptill in quick succession, and yet I couldn't find it in myself to celebrate. One reason was, of course, the shock, and number two, the real New Zealand batting order started only from number 5 (which is quite a clever ploy actually. Have the opposition preening over getting the 'top order' out quickly while the real batsmen make merry).

Jesse Ryder joined Ross Taylor, after which a succession of big black FOURs started coming up on screen, with no sight of an OUT, so I finally snapped out of my daze and shut my laptop down and got back on with my life.

I'm actually rather ashamed that my attachment to one player can throw me off an entire game, but that's the honest truth. I don't feel like I want to follow this match anymore. It's terrible of me, and really, I don't deserve to call myself a cricket fangirl.

Anyhow, great stuff from the NZers - a wonderful comeback after they'd been written off completely by all and sundry. All those over-the-top articles and speculation about how obvious it is that India is going to steamroller X, Y or Z team makes me queasy because it almost always results in something like this. Still, four days to go, you know? Let's see what happens.

Until then: Dhoni, rest up, get better, COME BACK.

The Agony and the Ecstasy

The last one week has been replete with epiphanies.

Most of them are of a personal sort, and all of them seem to have led me round an expansive and emotionally difficult circle and eventually I find myself exactly where I started. It’s not such a bad thing, though, and I hope I’m wiser after all that’s happened.

The one epiphany that’s relevant here happened last Sunday, as I was reading the literature on the web regarding the series win in New Zealand. It struck me suddenly just how much cricket was out there, just how much the game had been consuming precious hours of my life, and how difficult it was balancing being a medical student (which, hello, is pretty damn tough) and a cricket fan, not to mention various other social and familial commitments. An inexplicable panic started crawling up the back of my throat like some sort of insect, and I decided enough was enough.

So I tried a little experiment. I locked up my laptop at home and boldly went back to college, no TV for miles around. I knew I was missing the final ODI. I knew I was missing the first Test. I knew I had been waiting and waiting to follow this Test series, but I had to be strong, right? Priorities, priorities.

The first couple of days weren’t so bad. I still had the occasional mobile phone update, and am actually kind of glad I missed the final ODI, for obvious reasons. I still remember asking a friend in class for the score update that day, and this was how the conversation went:

ME: Score, score, score please!

FRIEND: (raising an eyebrow) Um, pardon me?

ME: (waving a futile hand in the air) Today! ODI! New Zealand! Score!

F: Oooooh. Gimme a second.

(checks on mobile phone and looks up and smiles)

F: 115 for 7.

ME: Uh... New Zealand, right?

F: (checks) Uh, no, actually. It’s India.

ME: (laughing) No, no, that’s impossible. Check that little space before the score. I’m sure it says N-Z, not I-N-D.

F: (starting to get annoyed) M--, it’s India batting. Rohit Sharma. Zaheer Khan. Partnership. LOOK.

(proceeds to thrust mobile phone screen at my face, where the letters IND 115/7 gleam
mockingly in all their digital glory)

ME: Stupid freakin’ – how in the world – what’s wrong – demonic possession – alien invasion – (fades away into incoherent muttering which may – or may not – have contained a string of profanity toward the Indian team)

But I didn’t really care about the result, which didn’t really mean anything, aside from a slightly disturbing tendency for the team to get off the boiler once the series has been won. That ain’t the stuff of truly dominating World Champions.

But the Test?

Seven different kinds of agony.

I was rather looking forward to watching this particular series, to the truly unique experience of waking up at 2:30 in the morning to watch Test cricket, tiptoeing around sleeping family members, settling down in front of the TV, blinking sleep desperately out of my eyes, smelling of mosquito-repellent cream, sipping from a mug of hot coffee in my hands. This time around, though, it was only the mobile phone updates, and the digital scores against the glowing background didn’t tell me anything. How many catches did Dhoni drop? (Only one, as I found out later. Keep at it, Mahi!) How did each four of Tendulkar’s look like? Was Dravid getting back into groove? Had somebody managed brainwash Laxman into thinking he was playing against Australia? (tough one, I know). Had the bowlers gotten their act together, or were they lucky? How was the pitch playing? Easy, or was it just the brilliance of the batsmen? How was the catching?

I knew none of the answers. To my horror, it was killing me.

So I took my first opportunity to get back home, and immediately lurched toward the laptop and the TV and was generally pleased with what I saw/read.

Sachin Tendulkar was awesome, as per usual.

Dravid... um. I’ll just shut up now. Dude, retire whenever you want to.

Schizophrenic!Munaf managed to put in a good performance, and Bhajji!! Dude, 6-63? Come on! :D

Dhoni continued to chip in with his batting, and his keeping seemed tidy for the most part. (Ha ha, go ahead and laugh at my conceit, I know I am.)

There were a couple of annoying lower-order partnerships that were allowed to build in the NZ innings, and as much as I adore Dan Vettori and the Brendon of McCullum, I’ve got to say: guys, seriously?

I am not going to make the mistake of leaving behind all this again. ‘Cause, seriously? Not worth it. What’s life if not a constant balancing act anyway?

So – 1 up in the series, with 2 Tests to go. Judging by the way they played this match, one would think anything less than a 2-0, maybe even a 3-0 win would be sacrilege, but let’s see. ‘Sides, India has never handled being overwhelming favourites well, and it’s all for India to lose from here.

Speaking of New Zealand, the Women’s World Cup concluded recently, with England winning their final against New Zealand. These two were easily the two strongest teams of the tournament, and a hearty congratulations to all of the women who were part of the final. Also, India managed to beat Australia (second time this tournament, ha!) for the third place. Which, considering that last year when the Indian women toured Australia, Karen Rolston and co. wiped the floor with them? Is pretty sweet.

...

... Oof. I need to apply for some sort of rehabilitation. Suggestions, anyone?


Addendum of EPIC DOOM: It’s happened.

The IPL cannot be held in India this year.

What the hell, people. What. The. Hell.

My immediate reaction was if the IPL can’t be held in India, then leave it. Cancel it. Holding it in another country? Hello, desperation! The primary lure of the IPL for me and so many people I know was the joy of crowding up the stadiums and the TV rooms and watch international cricket stars play some exhilarating Twenty20. For us. (In a way, you know, okay??)

If it has to be relocated, then the obvious choice would be South Africa.

But --- damn. This sucks, just so damn much.